An old reflection I did that begs the question about How consensual, non-coercive, non-criminal heterosexual transactions are harmful to women. I'm not an expert, and I think my reflection is scattered at best, but I thought it would be interesting to share.
How consensual, non-coercive, non-criminal heterosexual transactions are harmful to women.
Injurious (Damaging to Self-Hood)
1. Injury to Capacity to be Self-Assertive
Why: Because the ability to act on our own pleasure is important-if not crucial-to finding our own place/path within life and the world we live in. Giving in to – Consenting to sex that does not deliver pleasure takes away from our ability to be self-assertive. This is a threat because while a woman’s assertion is taken away, the man still gets to assert himself in acquiring his own pleasure: this of course leads to the double standard. What’s worse is that from a historical perspective this is actually considered the norm: where the men take and the women give. This can be evidenced by looking at the historical context of sexuality between men and women.
During the mid to late 19th century white middle-class women had more opportunities to choose between a greater selection of available male counterparts, which began to create unions and marriages that were based on love and romance rather than simple practicality. The driving force behind romance, helped create new ideas about intimacy where love was the main factor when considering marriage. However, a persistent double-standard existed that assumed it was perfectly natural for a man to seek sexual gratification outside of marriage. In addition to the belief that men had natural sexual urges, conflict would occur in marriages because of their desire to have sex and women’s desire to limit family size for health reasons.
Puritans were concerned about the health of women, but their real point was that they believed women were using the medicine with criminal intent and, therefore all advertisements needed to be eradicated from print entirely for the sake of public morality and women's health. Free-lovers, knew their views were unpopular, but were so convinced in the fundamental right of a woman to be independent in her own right, were unafraid to be shocking & speak about what they believed in. They argued that by allowing women to choose lovers for themselves, society would actually benefit because if women were allowed to do as they wished, there would never be any reason for men to rape; they would have an abundance of willing participants at their disposal. They believed in women's freedom in life, love and sexuality. At the time, women were the property of their husbands. They didn't have their own autonomy and if a husband needed sexual gratification, he had every right to simply take it. This leads to the 2nd Injury to Self-Hood
2. Injury to Sense of Self-Possession
Compared to men, women in American society had little choice about their potential to be independent: women & girls were subject to the male dominated society in which they lived. Women were lower on the social ladder and because of their inferior social status (among men) they had to make choices about whether to marry, make a meager salary at a low-end job, or become prostitutes to obtain a more financially stable life than she could obtain on her own. Many young women, particularly in urban settings needed to leave home to make a living, but because their wages were often so low, they also looked to men to help supply their “fun.”
In addition, women’s rights advocates and social purity reformers wanted to bring sexuality into schools to teach girls about safe-sex practices so they wouldn’t have to rely on incorrect hearsay. They believed that romantic sexual union would help increase pleasure in marriage, but they also wanted their daughters to be educated as well. Changing ideas about sexuality influenced how American culture related to sex. As young men and women spent more time outside of the home, whether in school or at work, opportunities to fraternize were prevalent. Many young women wanted to be accepted by their peers and boys and would succumb to sexual advances in the form of petting, necking, kissing and touching to be accepted, despite fears of their own morality.
3. Injury to Sense of Autonomy
Because women historically have been dependent on men, they have found themselves in the position of consenting to sex even if they didn’t desire it. Knowing that by not providing the sex could bring about damages to their economic status or even social status, women simply perform sexual acts to “keep up with the Jones’s” i.e. they perform sexual acts so they can keep their status and not have to live in what society considers a shameful existence: that of the single mother or of being considered a harlot.
4. Injury to Integrity
When women engage in sex that is neither pleasurable nor desired, they do give up a sense of their own integrity especially when they claim that they enjoyed the experience at all. This, I think, is a common trait of most women. I know countless friends who engage in sex to please their partners but who don’t necessarily enjoy the experience. They tell their male partners that they are wonderful lovers and absolutely pleasing, but this is only to avoid injuring the pride of their partners. I think this too has a historical link.
Tension between permissiveness and repression set the stage for social protest in the 1960s as the changing roles of women, and resurgence in sexual expression also began to take shape. Sexual liberalism before and within marriage helped to create new ideas about gender roles, sexuality and birth control but as the 1960’s approached, a burgeoning Women's Movement and later, Feminist Movement helped create new social ideas about inherent female freedoms. Women wanted equality to, and independence from, men; economically, educationally and sexually.
Overall, I would say that West is onto something here. I don’t think women or men really realize that having undesired or unpleasurable sex can in fact be damaging to a person (woman’s) sense of self-personhood. Countless women I know certainly have sex they don’t want just to avoid the hassle of what would happen if they didn’t have the sex. Each one of these points I personally have experienced and never gave it a second thought. Now, having read this article, I am re-thinking how I can approach sexual situations that I am either not interested in or have no desire for. This is going to be a battle I’m not sure a relationship can survive. Looks like a gigantic can of worms has been opened: it’s like the Pandora’s Box of sex.
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