It’s one week from graduation and, like other seniors, I’m beginning to feel the heavy traces of trepidation that quickly rush to the center of a person’s psyche. In the moments of big events, great change and new adventures every person experiences a wide array of emotions that range from fear to pure bliss, sometimes all at once. That’s where I’m at today.
7:15 am. I woke up feeling great with an old girl scout rally song blaring through my brain. “I’m alive, alert, awake, enthusiastic,” rolling on repeat as I stretched in bed, turned off the alarm. I headed directly into Z’s room to speak softly into his ear as I woke him for school. He reached out, pulled me close into a hug and said, “No mom, let’s go back to sleep.” I repeat the song and he giggles, “Okay fine,” he sighs. 10 minutes later with umbrella’s on the ready, we slog through the wet, wormy street to the bus stop and I wave through the rain as he rolls off to enjoy (or loathe) another day of 5th grade.
8:15 am. Back inside the house, Mower rushes about trying to get all of his things together. Tuesday’s are always hell day for him and today is no exception. He was up at 6 (or earlier) practicing for a day of dress rehearsals with concert band and jazz ensemble, more tests in music theory or ear training (I can’t remember which), a bass lesson at orchestra hall and a 10pm show at Cause with the band Morosity. 10 minutes before class starts he rushes out of the house with his upright bass, annoyed with the rain. Time to crank the Zen station on DirecTV; I only listen to it when he’s not here because it drives him crazy. I can see how it would, he is a musician after all and let’s face it, most people (men) couldn’t handle as much Zen music as I can. I won’t see him again until midnight tonight.
9:15 am. Scrubbing the toilet because it’s about to be the only functioning item in my bathroom for the next week and the phone rings. It’s Mower, he forgot his sheet music, can’t find his wallet, and would I please bring look for those things and bring them to him at 11? No problem, I say. Back to the bathroom to clean out any and everything; rugs down the laundry chute, tampons, shampoo, moisturizer, razor, deodorant and other personal care items in the shower tote. It dawns on me that I should probably take a shower before I drag everything out of there so I re-hang the shower curtain and step under the steamy hot water. Thankful that I even get to use the shower today I step out feeling refreshed and clean. One foot, one leg, one sleeve at a time I put my socks, pants and shirt on and go in search of a bra and the missing wallet. But first always first, coffee.
10:15 am. Phone rings. It’s Mower, he found his wallet and is coming home to get his sheet music, tells me not to worry about it. I am relieved, one less thing to worry about. Phone rings again. It’s Bill, he won’t be here to work on the bathroom until tomorrow; rain, insurance renewals, bids and other work duties call. No problem, I say, I have a paper to write anyway.
11:15 am. Realizing suddenly that graduation is one week away I burst into tears, overcome with pride, worry, joy, fear, elation and relief. I am a highly sensitive and emotional creature, but I rarely allow myself to let go enough to shed a few tears, so I was surprised at my sudden emotional outburst. Instead of holding back though, like I usually do, I just let the tears well up in my eyes and allowed them to fall freely. I was annoyed with myself for being such a baby but then I remembered to cut myself some slack. I recently had a conversation with a friend who having a rough day, struggling with the changes in her life and I told her that she was just experiencing growing pains. I understand how she felt because I’m experiencing growing pains too. I have to remember to take these emotions for what they are and then let them go. They’re normal you know, the chaotic & emotionally charged feelings I’m experiencing. Change does that to a person.
12:15 pm. Catharsis complete, for now anyway, I realize it’s time to get back on task and finish the last paper I will ever have to write as an undergrad. I go into the process focused, happy and cleansed. There is still quite a lot of work to do; job searching (and finding!), chores at home (the list never ends) and bills to pay, but I don’t feel so overwhelmed by everything anymore. Turns out, a good cry was just what I needed.
I can feel the wind blowing through the window, my fingers cold from the constant breeze. Flurries in the forecast and a growing list of things to do have given me the impression that it’s going to be a long day. Now that I’ve taken a time-out, no task seems too large or impossible. I’m just going to crank the volume on the Zen music, order honey walnut shrimp for delivery, bust out the French press and dive back into the work before me. There’s no need for me to worry because as long as I do the work, the universe will always provide.
One parting thought; embrace your emotions today, whatever they are. Acknowledge them, accept them and then let them go. That’s what I’m going to do. Blessed Be.
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